You’ve been dating for a year or two (or three) and keep fending off
the “so when are you two going to get married” question from
well-meaning friends and family. You are sure you’ve found The One… but
have you? Sometimes, after so many years together, you assume he has to
be.
Some women need the validation of the proposal more than an actual
wedding. There is something about being chosen, even if it’s not by the
right guy, that has women clinging to relationships everyone else can
see are going nowhere. Last year, Jennifer Gauvain, a clinical social
worker and author, released her finding that “30 percent of divorced
women knew they were marrying the wrong guy on their wedding day.” As
Gauvain said, “Getting engaged can be a triumph, and if he’s the wrong
guy, the high from the attention of the engagement can minimize that
fact.”
For the women in these relationships, there are signs. The hard part
is not just seeing them, but heeding them. Give thanks, get out and live
your life without relying on a proposal to make you happy. Life isn’t
black and white, but if you have some doubts, these are indicators that
he’s not in a place to marry you. It’s not about him not loving you;
it’s about him not wanting to marry you. And you’ll thank him years from
now for not doing it.
1. He’s Evasive About the Future
It is generally not a good idea to discuss marriage and babies on the
first date — unless you’re on “The Bachelorette” where these
uncomfortable conversations are a requirement. But if you and your guy
talk about jobs, careers, rent, trips, family and holidays, you should
trust the relationship enough to discuss your future. Otherwise it
becomes a vicious circle of neither of you bringing it up while the
woman is silently waiting for something to change. This just causes more
doubt and uneasiness. You’ll be surprised how this type of discussion
isn’t so scary or difficult with the right guy.
2. He Wants to Be More Successful, More Financially Secure
There is intense pressure for men to be the breadwinner. Even though
most women I know are successful professionals, it’s understandable that
most men want to know they can provide for their wife and family. While
there is a time and place to focus on a career or education, to
constantly hear “I’m not in a place to marry anyone right now” is
confusing and frustrating. It keeps a relationship in perpetual limbo.
Also, it repeatedly tells the woman that this decision isn’t hers.
Instead it is when he is “ready.” Who really knows the hard times
couples may face together in the future? Recognize that his resistance
may be to marrying you.
3. He “Doesn’t Know”
When my friend quit her job, moved to her boyfriend’s city, moved in
together and started looking at rings, she thought he was The One. So
when months later she asked, “Do you want to marry me?” she was
unprepared for his response of, “I don’t know.” If after living
together, starting her life and career over, he still “didn’t know,”
then deep down he did. If you feel confident you are with the man you
want to marry and asking him elicits a half-hearted, non-committal
answer — realize what’s really going on. No one should take marriage
lightly, but at some point, you must lay all your cards on the table.
What other information does he think he needs to know? When in doubt,
direct questions often give you the right answer even if when it is “I
don’t know.” It may not be what you want to hear, but it’s the truth.
(And my friend broke up with her boyfriend, moved back to her city, had a
rough breakup year and then met her current husband).
4. He Can Only Talk about Weddings or Marriage While Being Sarcastic, Ironic or Snarky
Every chance he got, my ex-boyfriend made cynical, snarky remarks about
marriage. I filed this under his edgy, non-conformist personality I
liked. Now I see it as a glaring neon sign telling me it was never going
to happen. I was convinced I could melt his cold, cynical heart. Maybe
what I should have asked was did he want his heart melted? I made
excuses for his behavior but took little responsibility for my own. He
didn’t want to get married, not then, and not to me. If I hadn’t been
trying to change his mind, I would have realized his mind was exactly
where he wanted it to be. All that needed changing was my ability to see
it.
Ultimately it’s not about a wedding. It’s not about the proposal
story or a ring on your finger. It’s about two people falling in love
and wanting to build a life together. If you’re deeply unhappy with
someone but you think his proposal will change things, it won’t. It will
distract you from the real issues for a while, but they will still be
there. Marriage can be a wonderful thing, but only if both parties are
equally committed. Trust me, you don’t want to talk someone into wanting
to marry you. If he’s giving you signs that he doesn’t want to marry
you, heed them. You’ll thank him years from now.
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